Feeling terrible.

I'm feeling terrible today. 

I don't feel like doing anything. It feels like everything's pointless.

I sit at my computer and gradually waste the day away. Scrolling through twitter, watching Youtube.

Now and again, I catch a glimmer of desire to do something, to achieve something, but that fairly quickly dims, as though my mind is covered by a fog that not only obscures, but extinguishes any desires.

I did manage to cook some pasta today, and there's enough leftover for a couple more meals. It wasn't very good, but I can at least recognise that objectively, today wasn't a complete waste.

I know I'll feel better, and soon. I just wish I didn't have to slog through this marsh first.

I've never wanted to die. I doubt I ever will. But sometimes I feel so apathetic toward my life that I wish I could just go to sleep, and wake up a long time later, when I feel better.

I can remember the first time I felt this way. I was eleven years old. When I told my mum, her advice was that I should do something that makes me feel happy. Back then, that was simple enough. What I wanted to do was make games with Scratch. Nowadays, when I feel like this, every idea to cheer me up feels flat, as though I can see through it, and immediately judge it as meaningless.

I know I'll feel better, and soon. And when I do, all the things that I love to do will be exciting again. I'll want to read books and program games and build worlds again. But until then, I don't really know what to do with myself.